Dog Shoes for Idiots

The Absurdity of Dog Shoes, Their Specious Uses, and the Multitude Charges Against Them

Dog shoes, for all intents and purposes, are absurd to me. If I had the time or the money I’d see to eradicating them from the earth. Well, those and cankles. But until then, this wesbite will have to suffice, and by the grace of Zoroaster I will draw people to my cause with a like disgust for those desecrable dog shoes.

Practically speaking, dog shoes serve no purpose in this world. If dog shoes have a purpose, it’s to make dog’s look retarded, kinda like those dogs that get their heads stuck in trash cans or buckets or something and then can’t get them off. Then they walk all over the place and crash into things because they have a bucket on their head.  Granted, dog shoes don’t block vision, but they do block nature.  And then you have those dog’s that wear sweaters and capes. While it may be true that not all dog’s are born with thick hair or capes, nature has given dog’s dog shoes. They’re called paws.

For those people who buy dog shoes for their dog to protect their home’s interior, I have a better idea for you. Don’t get a dog. Dogs do stuff, it’s their nature. They poop and pee and walk on things and chew things up and if you’re lucky they learn to sit and bring you the paper. Nature. Disregarding this blatant fact of life and putting dog shoes on your dog will not only make your house guests nauseous, it will also secure a place for you at the head of the table catered by Satan herself.  Guess what she’s prepared for your homecoming…dog…and egg rolls!

I looked long and hard for reasonable excuses to purchase and inflict dog shoes on one, and the only thing that seemed remotely logical was a person who likes to hike and the dog’s feet are too sensitive to go on mountain trails or something of the sort. The easy solution would be to leave the dog at home, but I can retract my venom for this sensitive canine. I might also be able to make an exception for those dogs with no back legs, you know, the ones that use a little wagon to pull themselves around. Whatever, if it gives them traction or keeps what remaining limbs they have in tact, then so be it. But dog shoes do not belong on normal dogs.

A Moral Imperative Overlooked

I understand how capitalism is supposed to work, and the notion that private vise becomes public virtue, that private greed becomes public prosperity.  But there is something wrong in the world when there are human beings who cannot afford shoes but tight ass up scale city dogs wear dog shoes. I am not usually one to tell others what to do with their money and I don’t believe we all need to be act exclusively with altruistic motives, but I do believe that a person who is willing to put dog shoes on something the Chinese still call ‘food’ needs a reality check.

And this is talking to the existence of dog shoes. What I haven’t mentioned yet is that dog’s not only don’t need shoes, they don’t need 4 of them. That’s right. Where an abject African might get by with two shoes and a teaspoon of peanut butter a day, any normal dog will need four dog shoes, less they risk awkwardness in stride. And that’s the absurdity of the world we live in. Please ponder this plea and scheme with me to eradicate the most insulting of animal products, dog shoes, from planet Earth.