Dog Shoes for Idiots

On a recent trip to Yangshuo China, a beautiful mountainous scenic spot not far from the infamous Guilin, my family and I took a great Chinese cooking class. We learned to make five local Chinese dishes that both overwhelmed the senses and overwhelmed the bowels. My favorite dish combined two glorious ingredients, beer and fish, into one delectable meal cleverly called beer fish. But I’m sure this is not what interests most of you, so I’ll get to it.

Things are different in China. Food typically still looks like what it came from. Fish is served at restaurants with the head still attached, as is Duck. 3 cups chicken usually includes one cup chicken feet, beak, and face. Pig ear and hoof cannot be disguised by sauce or presentation. And naturally, dog and horse are still considered delicacies in certain parts, reminders of simpler and more romantic times before ‘civilization’ squelched the human spirit.

But those of you out there who love dogs would be happy to hear that the Chinese don’t eat all dogs, just ones that look like Dingoes. They taste a bit like duck we were told, only gamier. I’m not sure what is gamy about these dogs, as I highly doubt they learn to play Frisbee like American dogs, but perhaps they learn other games involving running from master’s stick and the like. Nevertheless, they don’t seem happy to me, and what’s the point of playing games if they don’t make you happy?

But I digress. Before we prepared our glorious feast we took a trip to the market for an introduction to different Chinese foods. There were countless booths filled with veggies and meats of every kind. There were pens holding bunnies and bowls housing snakes, turtles and frogs. It was a sadists dream. Hell, they even had slugs and other weird indistinguishable slimy creatures that probably provide the missing evolutionary link between tad poles and kangaroo mice. And yes, there were pens of dogs and butchers of dogs there.

But this alone is not deserving of a post. What inspired me to recap my trip was the discovery that, well, if you look closely at that hanging dog carcass and look more closely at its dangling appendages, you’ll see little dog shoes on its feet. Those of you who know me know that I’m a technophobe, and I’ll no doubt remain totally ignorant of the many wonders of Photoshop and photo editing until I die. That’s why you can trust that this picture has not been doctored in any way. Which begs the question why this dog so far from civilization would be wearing dog shoes?

In many parts of china dogs are pets, pampered, and well groomed. And as I mentioned, this particular breed of dog is particularly suitable to Chinese taste and is supposedly the only dog suitable for eating. Other dog breeds simply don’t taste as good. What then explains this phenomenon? Dog shoes on the Dingo looking food dog…a clash of cultures if you will, and a puzzle worth solving.

There seem to be only 2 possible scenarios whereby this food dog could wind up wearing dog shoes. The first possibility is that this dog has hip dysplasia and an allergy to grass, that if left unattended could result in crappy meat taste. The second and most titillating option is that I discovered a groundbreaking cuisine in China’s untainted countryside that fuses western pragmatism and sensitivity (dog’s have sensitive feet sometimes) with eastern holism. It’s a bold challenge in this age of unparalleled starvation and suffering to those who believe animals should be treated as humans. Food is food, regardless of the style and color of its shoes, sweater, hat, or cape. The third possibility is that this dog was in fact someone’s pet that strayed too far from the living room and the butcher, confused and overzealous with the prospect of free money, overlooked its little pink dog shoes until it was too late.

As I did not know this dog pre-butchering, I’ll never get to the true bottom of this question. And while this is an important question worth ruminating on, it shouldn’t deter us from living life and making some killer Chinese food, whatever it may be comprised of. I am not a fan of dog meat myself, so I opted for the vegetarian options of beer fish and pork. And as you can see from the pic, I had myself a great time regardless!

The Absurdity of Dog Shoes, Their Specious Uses, and the Multitude Charges Against Them

Dog shoes, for all intents and purposes, are absurd to me. If I had the time or the money I’d see to eradicating them from the earth. Well, those and cankles. But until then, this wesbite will have to suffice, and by the grace of Zoroaster I will draw people to my cause with a like disgust for those desecrable dog shoes.

Practically speaking, dog shoes serve no purpose in this world. If dog shoes have a purpose, it’s to make dog’s look retarded, kinda like those dogs that get their heads stuck in trash cans or buckets or something and then can’t get them off. Then they walk all over the place and crash into things because they have a bucket on their head.  Granted, dog shoes don’t block vision, but they do block nature.  And then you have those dog’s that wear sweaters and capes. While it may be true that not all dog’s are born with thick hair or capes, nature has given dog’s dog shoes. They’re called paws.

For those people who buy dog shoes for their dog to protect their home’s interior, I have a better idea for you. Don’t get a dog. Dogs do stuff, it’s their nature. They poop and pee and walk on things and chew things up and if you’re lucky they learn to sit and bring you the paper. Nature. Disregarding this blatant fact of life and putting dog shoes on your dog will not only make your house guests nauseous, it will also secure a place for you at the head of the table catered by Satan herself.  Guess what she’s prepared for your homecoming…dog…and egg rolls!

I looked long and hard for reasonable excuses to purchase and inflict dog shoes on one, and the only thing that seemed remotely logical was a person who likes to hike and the dog’s feet are too sensitive to go on mountain trails or something of the sort. The easy solution would be to leave the dog at home, but I can retract my venom for this sensitive canine. I might also be able to make an exception for those dogs with no back legs, you know, the ones that use a little wagon to pull themselves around. Whatever, if it gives them traction or keeps what remaining limbs they have in tact, then so be it. But dog shoes do not belong on normal dogs.

A Moral Imperative Overlooked

I understand how capitalism is supposed to work, and the notion that private vise becomes public virtue, that private greed becomes public prosperity.  But there is something wrong in the world when there are human beings who cannot afford shoes but tight ass up scale city dogs wear dog shoes. I am not usually one to tell others what to do with their money and I don’t believe we all need to be act exclusively with altruistic motives, but I do believe that a person who is willing to put dog shoes on something the Chinese still call ‘food’ needs a reality check.

And this is talking to the existence of dog shoes. What I haven’t mentioned yet is that dog’s not only don’t need shoes, they don’t need 4 of them. That’s right. Where an abject African might get by with two shoes and a teaspoon of peanut butter a day, any normal dog will need four dog shoes, less they risk awkwardness in stride. And that’s the absurdity of the world we live in. Please ponder this plea and scheme with me to eradicate the most insulting of animal products, dog shoes, from planet Earth.